“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
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[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
🙂🐾
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote