All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
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Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.