All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

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Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.


When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”


Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.


Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.


The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.


When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.


Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.


Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.


i’ve been a little sad lately, so i went on zillow and saved a 3 million dollar home and now i get to laugh every time they email me about the next steps to buy it.