@MorticiaKate

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

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@Fred_Delicious

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

@PAPIKAIBITCH

SOME GIRLS GET BEATEN UP BY THEIR BOYFRIENDS AND STICK AROUND SAYING “I SEE SOMETHING IN HIM” LIKE WTF YOU SEE??? A REMATCH?

@Laser_Cat

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

@ABC7

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

@djderk

Suicide terrorists: jokes on you! Virgins totally suck. Have fun jerking off while she cries.

@dadopotamus

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

@Home_Halfway

She wears short skirts
I eat ham late at night
She’s cheer captain and
I eat ham late at night

@DadandBuried

Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.

6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!