All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
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Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.