All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

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ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary

WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle


You can really scare someone when you yell “Peek-a-boo!”. Especially when they’re trying on clothes in the fitting room.


have all the brands stopped pretending they’re people? It’s safe to assume Hot Pockets isn’t going to announce it has covid19 tomorrow?


My Starbucks guy just said, “Looks like you had a rough night!” …I didn’t even go out.


Watching Mickey’s Clubhouse with my 4yo and even he’s asking why the hell would a duck like Donald need a life jacket.


saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber


Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.


*walk up to woman breastfeeding baby* Is this guy bothering you?