All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

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Just saw a car with a license plate that says FLSH ME. Ok, douche. What are you, a dead goldfish? Flush yourself.


If you give two examples and then say “and the list goes on,” it doesn’t.


Umm, your honour? In my defence, I think it was a pretty decent exposure.


An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.


New Years Resolutions:
1. Lose weight
2. Volunteer work
3. Lie about 1 and 2


[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]


I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do


The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.


I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.