@5hael

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

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@SortaBad

ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary

WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle

@iGreenMonk

You can really scare someone when you yell “Peek-a-boo!”. Especially when they’re trying on clothes in the fitting room.

@recursivetaco

have all the brands stopped pretending they’re people? It’s safe to assume Hot Pockets isn’t going to announce it has covid19 tomorrow?

@TheJamieLee

My Starbucks guy just said, “Looks like you had a rough night!” …I didn’t even go out.

@AristotlesNZ

Watching Mickey’s Clubhouse with my 4yo and even he’s asking why the hell would a duck like Donald need a life jacket.

@CaucasianJames

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

@GinAndJif

Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.

@jsaffle1

*walk up to woman breastfeeding baby* Is this guy bothering you?