@5hael

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

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@Ygrene

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

@KeetPotato

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life

@hgracestewart

I try to live each day like it’s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?

@Awkward_Fun

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.

@AGreaterMonster

I just ran for the train so I think I’m good on running for a couple years.

@MomOnFire

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

@jonnysun

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here

@Flykins

regardless means without regard

irregardless means the same as regardless except you never had any English classes

@elle91

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography