Interviewer: So your resume says you’re familiar with Excel?
Me: ah yes… Excel.. the elusive mistress.. siren of data.. functions fatale…
Interviewer: Do you know how to use Excel?
Me: I do not
All I remember about college is that everyone was saying the word dichotomy. The teachers, the students. I heard a janitor say it once.
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Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I’m gonna be late…
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Can prisoners ask for The Olive Garden’s Endless Pasta for their last meal?
If so, I think I just found a loophole in our judicial system.
“Do you have any questions?”
– Yeah, inTitanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge