All I remember about college is that everyone was saying the word dichotomy. The teachers, the students. I heard a janitor say it once.

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therapist: eliminate the negative energy from your life

me: [nods] stop eating vegetables

therapist: no


[proctologist’s office]

ME: *unzipping pants nervously*

PROCTOLOGIST: You’re nervous, that’s normal, but please zip my pants back up.


Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick


Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.


Someone needs to tell drug sniffing dogs about the whole “man’s best friend” thing.


I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts


[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible


if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance