@grannythings
Interviewer: So your resume says you’re familiar with Excel?
Me: ah yes… Excel.. the elusive mistress.. siren of data.. functions fatale…
Interviewer: Do you know how to use Excel?
Me: I do not
@Palumbros
All I remember about college is that everyone was saying the word dichotomy. The teachers, the students. I heard a janitor say it once.
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@grannythings
@stephenjmolloy
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
@JohnLyonTweets
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
@EndhooS
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
@brookeisgolden
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
@KnownComment
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
@iRowlf
Can prisoners ask for The Olive Garden’s Endless Pasta for their last meal?
If so, I think I just found a loophole in our judicial system.
@Jay_FrickinLynn
[During Interview]
“Do you have any questions?”
– Yeah, inTitanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?
@zombieparrot
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
@chaselyons
do yβall like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
