Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
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pat pat
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
#ParentingFacts
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Wait a minute…
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch