@Palumbros

All I remember about college is that everyone was saying the word dichotomy. The teachers, the students. I heard a janitor say it once.

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@grannythings

Interviewer: So your resume says you’re familiar with Excel?

Me: ah yes… Excel.. the elusive mistress.. siren of data.. functions fatale…

Interviewer: Do you know how to use Excel?

Me: I do not

@stephenjmolloy

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

@JohnLyonTweets

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

@EndhooS

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

@brookeisgolden

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

@KnownComment

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

@iRowlf

Can prisoners ask for The Olive Garden’s Endless Pasta for their last meal?
If so, I think I just found a loophole in our judicial system.

@Jay_FrickinLynn

[During Interview]
“Do you have any questions?”
– Yeah, inTitanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?

@zombieparrot

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.