therapist: eliminate the negative energy from your life
me: [nods] stop eating vegetables
All I remember about college is that everyone was saying the word dichotomy. The teachers, the students. I heard a janitor say it once.
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ME: *unzipping pants nervously*
PROCTOLOGIST: You’re nervous, that’s normal, but please zip my pants back up.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Me: what are ya in for?
Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Someone needs to tell drug sniffing dogs about the whole “man’s best friend” thing.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance