All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
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me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Selfie
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors