Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
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Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Noah: How will the animals reproduce?
God: You took a male & female, right?
Noah: YOU SAID BRING 2 YOU DIDN’T SAY 1 OF EACH SEX
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Annoucement: At my funeral, all my tweets shall be recited. I will then haunt whomever leaves first, demanding honest feedback for eternity.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now but I’m still proud…
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy