@LindaInDisguise

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

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@sixfootcandy

Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.

@robfee

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

@Playing_Dad

[Noah’s Ark]
Noah: How will the animals reproduce?
God: You took a male & female, right?
Noah: YOU SAID BRING 2 YOU DIDN’T SAY 1 OF EACH SEX

@ItsAndyRyan

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

@msgwenl

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

@iGreenMonk

Annoucement: At my funeral, all my tweets shall be recited. I will then haunt whomever leaves first, demanding honest feedback for eternity.

@Shenanigans_luv

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

@TheHyyyype

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

@DirtMcTurd

I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now but I’m still proud…

@StevieKnip

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy