I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
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me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
*Sees thing on floor
*Vacuums over said thing
*Vacuum cant pick it up
*Picks up thing
*Looks at it
*Puts it back on the floor to vacuum
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
My boss told me to dress for the job I want; not the job I have. I’m now in a disciplinary meeting for wearing my Batman costume to work.
I’ve been called a lot of names but “designated driver” was never one of them.