@iamk1ts

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

You Might Also Like

@EugeneMirman

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

@lisaxy424

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

@3_livi

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

@KeetPotato

me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”

@Jenny4ashley

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

@CaniacMONK

*Sees thing on floor

*Vacuums over said thing

*Vacuum cant pick it up

*Picks up thing

*Looks at it

*Puts it back on the floor to vacuum

@DaddyBeerGuy

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

@Mayhem_Monica

My boss told me to dress for the job I want; not the job I have. I’m now in a disciplinary meeting for wearing my Batman costume to work.

@osigat

I’ve been called a lot of names but “designated driver” was never one of them.