I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
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nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
estão todos miauvindo?
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Krampus.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?