I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
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Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Merry Christmas
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.