@therealeatwood

All I wanna do is

*bang*
*bang*
*bang*
*bang*
*gun cocks*
*cash register*

Get this reference

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@TheMichaelRock

Me: Where’s your maternity section?

Her: Over there. How far along is she?

Me: Her? I’m shopping for my Thanksgiving pants.

Her…

@_ElvishPresley_

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

@Social_Mime

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

@Shen_the_Bird

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

@mollzbenn

I told mom that my electric bill was only $22 last month and she said “Seems right for someone who sits in the dark and drinks alone every night.” Would someone please tell her to stop owning me, I’m her daughter for God’s sake.

@3KidsNoJoke

Biden: I locked him in the bathroom, run!

Obama: Joe! You can’t…Give me the keys! Joe!

Joe: WHEEEE!

#bidenmeme #Election2016

@Ratchet7Don

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

@LindaInDisguise

Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”