Me: Where’s your maternity section?
Her: Over there. How far along is she?
Me: Her? I’m shopping for my Thanksgiving pants.
All I wanna do is
Get this reference
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My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Still my favorite headline of all time:
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I told mom that my electric bill was only $22 last month and she said “Seems right for someone who sits in the dark and drinks alone every night.” Would someone please tell her to stop owning me, I’m her daughter for God’s sake.
Biden: I locked him in the bathroom, run!
Obama: Joe! You can’t…Give me the keys! Joe!
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”