[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
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So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
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me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
This anagram machine is out of order.
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1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Danger is very dangerous
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope