All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
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My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
.. do you even science?
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Hitlers gonna hitl
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.