All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
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“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Spider-cat: No One Home
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
LMAO.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH