I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
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Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit