@DothTheDoth

All I want, every day, is to find a derelict spaceship, develop abnormal symptoms & then tell no one.

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@JosesLovesYou

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

@SCbchbum

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

@meganamram

You say “tomato,” I say “tomato,” and there, we’ve written our own wedding vows

@daemonic3

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

@The_Sculptress

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?nnSo sad. Really.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.

@TweetsByKaylee

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

@TheHyyyype

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

@AngelaEhh

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…