All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

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[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.


“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask them questions.” – all children


It’s that wonderful time of year again when the spiderwebs I’ve been too lazy to clean become functional decorations.


If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.


Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?


I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.


My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.


Hey, mister tambourine man
Play a song for me
But learn another instrument first
‘Cause an entire song on a tambourine
Would be monotonous.


Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.