@DepressedDarth

All I want for Christmas is a stormtrooper who doesn’t miss the target every time he shoots.

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@mrjohndarby

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?

@itsa_talia

my cat sounds so cute when he sneezes but i really wish he’d stop wasting the coke. it’s like goddamn amateur hour with him.

@VisionBored1

My son said he was bored of having to lean over his plate while eating so I said I was bored of having kids and now maybe everyone is crying

@Divergentmama

I just took a DNA test turns out I’m 100% a passive aggressive mom but if you called once in awhile you would know that.

@sf14

Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”

@mstluvstrinkets

Her: I’m running a little late.
M: how many more seconds er I mean yeah sure take your time.

Me, trying to play it cool with the babysitter

@dksc4life

HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard

@faizziy

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

@PhoenixRises69

Asked my 65yo mom what she’d like for Christmas and she said “Surprise me”.

Hope she likes her new pet python.