[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
All I want for Christmas is a stormtrooper who doesn’t miss the target every time he shoots.
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my cat sounds so cute when he sneezes but i really wish he’d stop wasting the coke. it’s like goddamn amateur hour with him.
My son said he was bored of having to lean over his plate while eating so I said I was bored of having kids and now maybe everyone is crying
I just took a DNA test turns out I’m 100% a passive aggressive mom but if you called once in awhile you would know that.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Her: I’m running a little late.
M: how many more seconds er I mean yeah sure take your time.
Me, trying to play it cool with the babysitter
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Asked my 65yo mom what she’d like for Christmas and she said “Surprise me”.
Hope she likes her new pet python.