Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
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My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
My neck, my back, my…
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault