Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
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I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
I have a type: disappointing
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.