Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
All I want from a woman is for her to hold my hand, look into my eyes, and tell me it’s ok to get out of her bushes.
You Might Also Like
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
[2 paintings talking]
“hey man, guess what im doing this weekend?”
please dont say it
i wanna move to a different gallery
[first guy to play an accordion]
i bet i could use this to get sharon to divorce me
You drunkenly fall into one bathtub with your pants around your ankles, breaking the curtain rod and all of a sudden, everyone is a critic
Just saw the book “Marriage for Dummies.”
Shouldn’t there be an “is” in there somewhere?
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.