@CoopSoSarc

All I want from a woman is for her to hold my hand, look into my eyes, and tell me it’s ok to get out of her bushes.

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@orange_rhymer

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

@Jazzzzzmina

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.

@daemonic3

[home depot]

me: i think i like this huge decorative rock

her: boulder

me: ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

@mrjohndarby

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him

@MadamBetteNoire

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

@_Bankrobber_

FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”

@jergarl

I finally saved up enough money to listen to my heart but it turns out that’s just a metaphor.

Anyway, I have stethoscope for sale.

@Liffonmelsmork

It’s getting cold in here
So take off all your clothes
Then we can make a fire with them

@LosLos__

And then God said: Let women have infallible memory.

But technology said: And screenshots, just in casies.