If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
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kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I am all good here, 😂😉