Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
All I want from a woman is for her to hold my hand, look into my eyes, and tell me it’s ok to get out of her bushes.
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After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
me: i think i like this huge decorative rock
me: ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
I finally saved up enough money to listen to my heart but it turns out that’s just a metaphor.
Anyway, I have stethoscope for sale.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
It’s getting cold in here
So take off all your clothes
Then we can make a fire with them
And then God said: Let women have infallible memory.
But technology said: And screenshots, just in casies.