@CoopSoSarc

All I want from a woman is for her to hold my hand, look into my eyes, and tell me it’s ok to get out of her bushes.

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@sixfootcandy

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

@GrantTanaka

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

@kivtur

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

@robdelaney

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

@TheHyyyype

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

@trentistweeting

[2 paintings talking]
“hey man, guess what im doing this weekend?”
please dont say it
“JUST HANGING!”
i wanna move to a different gallery

@sonictyrant

[first guy to play an accordion]
i bet i could use this to get sharon to divorce me

@JeremyKCMO

You drunkenly fall into one bathtub with your pants around your ankles, breaking the curtain rod and all of a sudden, everyone is a critic

@HuttonGray

Just saw the book “Marriage for Dummies.”

Shouldn’t there be an “is” in there somewhere?

@TheNYAMProject

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.