*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
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Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I bet birds love this building.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Whoa… oh I see lol
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game