Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
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[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time