All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
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Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Things will get butter, keep churning
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”