All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
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There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
new shirt idea
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.