All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
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ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Air pods looking like an angry frog
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?