@illTortuga

All I want to know is why Antonio Banderas’ hair has been wet for 20 years.

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@rachelle_mandik

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

@Sorrowscopes

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

@Mindless4Miles

Me: “Breath mint?”

Her: “Sure.”

M: “Don’t mean to offend.”

H: “None taken.”

M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”

@delusions_of

Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want, you’ll still have herpes.

@daemonic3

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

@pizzajaynow

People who only tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who reminded their school teacher about homework assignments.

@tsm560

I don’t know if this day is tantamount to the worst day of my life because I don’t know what tantamount means.

@sweetandweak

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.