[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
You Might Also Like
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo