The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
You Might Also Like
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus