All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
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mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.