@BoredomDidIt

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

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@SkippyMcGizzard

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

@HonestToddler

Tonight’s bedtime story was about three pigs struggling with repeat home invasions. Thanks for the new fear.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

@Mormonger

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

@KalvinMacleod

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*

@shut_uup

Yeah I pee in the shower, but not while I’m in it

@AbbieEvansXO

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no