I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
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Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.