All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
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What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs