@ThinkingSavage

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

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@rickygervais

I’m hoping the nuclear strike button & the trap-door for hecklers button on Trump’s desk are completely different colours.

@HeyoShellz

Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

@jlock17

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

@jonnysun

grampa: i was sent to war when ur mother was a baby. i didnt kno if i’d see her again

me: noo my uber stopped on the other side of the road

@Jerk_Martin

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

@truegritrumble

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

@JohnLyonTweets

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

@stockejock

What do we want?

ROCK HARD ABS!

When do we want them?

THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!

@TonyWIVK

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

@liv_thatsme

Sometimes I wish I were Dorothy, because I really like dogs and also because I want to crush someone with a house.