All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
You Might Also Like
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Sniffing the broccoli
Monica just destroyed the internet
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?