All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
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Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that