All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

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Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?


Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.


If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.


*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”


Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.


Twitter has no plot, millions of characters, & it never ends. Basically, it’s a “Hobbit” movie.


me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now


Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…


If you open a door for me, I will lick you. Sometimes it’s awkward.


if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?