@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

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@mdob11

Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

@amishschool

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

@DanMentos

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

@DarlingNikki_12

Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.

@Diane_7A

Twitter has no plot, millions of characters, & it never ends. Basically, it’s a “Hobbit” movie.

@TheHyyyype

me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now

@IamEveryDayPpl

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

@jnrbtsn

If you open a door for me, I will lick you. Sometimes it’s awkward.

@Reverend_Scott

if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?