Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
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“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
My friend is an excellent librarian.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese