@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

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@Brianhopecomedy

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

@OrdinaryAlso

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

@mellimelle

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

@Derrick_Snyder

Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!

@Writepop

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

@juicymorsel

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

@notacroc

Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti

@jennyjaffe

My boyfriend just said “HEYYYY” and I yelled “MUST BE THE MONAYYYY” because I did not realize that he had just started a Zoom conference call.