All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
You Might Also Like
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
If snakes were wide
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
How did we not see this back then?
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Money is the root of all wealth
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.