@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

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@mdob11

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

@internetluke

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

@captainkalvis

friend: so, things are going well?

Girlfriend: he’s so sweet

[she looks out the window to see me reaching down to pluck a flower]

Girlfriend: but sometimes I just-

[she looks back to see me, eating the flower I just pulled and inspecting another]

@LivibelsDada

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

@chrisdowning

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

@AGStr8upNinja

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

@Browtweaten

Wife: Are you doing what I asked?

Me: Of course I am *vacuum noises*

Wife: Did you just text “vacuum noises”?

Me: *dialtone noises*

@Fred_Delicious

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

@BastardProphet

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.