‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
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“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
Doctor of Fine Arts
friend: so, things are going well?
Girlfriend: he’s so sweet
[she looks out the window to see me reaching down to pluck a flower]
Girlfriend: but sometimes I just-
[she looks back to see me, eating the flower I just pulled and inspecting another]
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Wife: Are you doing what I asked?
Me: Of course I am *vacuum noises*
Wife: Did you just text “vacuum noises”?
Me: *dialtone noises*
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.