All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
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Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Just got to our Airbnb!
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.