All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
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Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Namaste
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
when you order from DoorDastardly
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
North and South
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door