All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

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The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.


Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.


Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?


If you love something set it free,unless it’s a lion. Don’t do that.


Wife: What did you get me for Mother’s Day?

3-year-old: A cake.

Wife: Where is it?

3: You haven’t made it yet.


My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.


boyfriend [peels, chops, & salts eggplant. purees stewed tomatoes. minces garlic. chops onions. grates cheese. sautés and bakes.]: babe, i made you dinner!

me [pours milk on cornflakes]: babe, i made you breakfast!