All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
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Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
and now we wait
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs