wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife *lets her in*
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
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Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Husband: Why is there a Hot Pocket plugged into the charger?
Me: [looking down at the phone I’m eating]
PLEASE SEND HELP
I STOPPED BUYING AVOCADOS AND NOW I AM DROWNING IN COINS AND KEYS TO VARIOUS PROPERTIES I OWN
OH GOD IS THIS HOW I DIE
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Thinking of adopting a child. What color should I get? Keep in mind my walls are eggshell and cinnamon.