All I'm saying is if I'm not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?

Me: Never

Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.

Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

Husband: Why is there a Hot Pocket plugged into the charger?
Me: [looking down at the phone I’m eating]

PLEASE SEND HELP

I STOPPED BUYING AVOCADOS AND NOW I AM DROWNING IN COINS AND KEYS TO VARIOUS PROPERTIES I OWN

OH GOD IS THIS HOW I DIE

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

Thinking of adopting a child. What color should I get? Keep in mind my walls are eggshell and cinnamon.

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