All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
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VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Pass gas, not judgment.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.