@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

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@lemonmartinis

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

@Stap_Jr

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

@MNateShyamalan

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

@Divergentmama

When he finally says those three little words you’ve been waiting to hear – I bought cheese.

@TheTweetOfGod

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

@marthasa1

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

@KingRainhead

friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me