All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
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*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
The point of your 20s
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
consequences, the bane of my existence
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle