all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
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oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.