@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.

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@JaneBadall

Online relationships – For when you want to be disappointed by imaginary people, too.

@DannyZuker

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

@OrdinaryAlso

me: do you have a blowup mattress?

host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.

me: hahaha

host: hahaha

me: (nervous sweating)

@Cheeseboy22

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: I heard glasses make you look smart.
FRIEND: That’s true.
[LATER ON A DATE]
DATE: Hi.
ME: (wearing 20 pairs of glasses) Who said that?

@generaldietz

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

@TheBlessMess

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

@DBMaxP

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets