All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.

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Me:*carefully puts on my helmet and adds a bell and basket to my bike*

Spin Class Instructor: no


hey teens ! if you think you’re angry now, just wait until you have to spend your own money on toilet paper.


If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??


The embarrassment when you wake up to find your panties hanging from a chandelier and think, how did I end up in a place with a chandelier?


I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.


Cashier: Aww, you grocery shop so your wife doesn’t have to?

[flashback to me losing paper, rock, scissors]

Me: Yeah, I’m sweet like that.


Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime


[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up


[wine class]

Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?

ME: wine

Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?

ME: nope, still wine