All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
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My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Lmfaoooooo
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there