Wanna feel old? 1990 was 40 years ago.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
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Online relationships – For when you want to be disappointed by imaginary people, too.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: (nervous sweating)
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
ME: I heard glasses make you look smart.
FRIEND: That’s true.
[LATER ON A DATE]
ME: (wearing 20 pairs of glasses) Who said that?
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets