All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
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subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes