All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
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Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
who wants to go expliring
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
What’s so funny?
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.