You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
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I childproofed my house, but they keep getting in.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Honestly I’m so shit faced I have no idea.
ME: *makes my first million*
MY BOSS AT THE U.S. MONEY PRINTING PRESS: yeah, we usually don’t make em bigger than a hundred
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
It’s important to make her feel wanted…
….so I called the cops on her.