All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

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You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !


[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?


(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Honestly I’m so shit faced I have no idea.


ME: *makes my first million*

MY BOSS AT THE U.S. MONEY PRINTING PRESS: yeah, we usually don’t make em bigger than a hundred


Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”


How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”