All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
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Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.