Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
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Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
can’t believe I got front row seats
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
#oldknees
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids