Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
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Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July