[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
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My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
subtitles are so good nowadays
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
constantly working on myself.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”