All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
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I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.