All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
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I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.